Day fifty-two. I returned from my vacation completely relieved. It was a very stressful trip, and could hardly be called a vacation on some fronts, but like every trip, it had is peaks and valleys. The valleys were deep and wide. The biblical lines of “though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death…” comes to mind. It was bigger trial than I expected, and what I found is that my level of patience is weakened by the holes in my stomach and the ever sweeping wind of time. Like sands in a storm, I was worn to the lowest level I personally have ever been to. I don’t feel much like writing down the specifics to record, as honestly, looking back on the events that led up to my emotional deterioration, they are all very trivial. I could have been more forthcoming with my feelings, but at the time, the variables all seemed to be stacked too high against any possible positive outcome in a confrontation. I don’t even think I would have been able to be rational in the situation.
Still, with all of that, I returned, elated to see my home. At no time did I truly feel homesick, but seeing my hometown as I drove in seemed to be the cure for what had ailed me. Everything that I was angry about melted away and I felt at peace. I didn’t accomplish much work this week, as the whole two day drive back, all I could think about was getting home and getting back to my hobby routine. Even my battle with apathy could do little to douse my spirits. I sat back in the chair, and I got comfortable.
The trip was an excuse to spend some money trying to open my mind to the idea of finding something different in life. Seeing what it would be like to really live in a different place. I have taken trips away from home, but I always return for one reason or another. I call it the “Battle of the Shoulds”. I do everything I deem I should be doing based on the risks I asses and the possible outcomes that would come of those risks. I deal with responsibilities based on the idea that me and the future is similar to a completely different person that requires to be waited on hand and foot. Future-me is basically a lazy, incapable, unmotivated idiot. So present-me has to be very responsible so as not to fail or disappoint future me. Even though I expect that future-me is all of those things aforementioned, he is somehow supposed to be become, in my mind, a fatherly, kind, wise old man. A virtual man on the mountain, tranquil, and trained in the deadliest martial arts, but taught strictly not to use them. His mind is sharper than my own, but, he is a main not up to date with times and has no skill worth paying for. He also desires nothing but to continue his days, unencumbered by past-me’s mistakes, foils, faults, or disabilities. With all this in mind, I take few risks. I follow the path well-trodden so that one day, when all of my responsibilities have been secured, I can take the path not traveled. I want to believe that my happiness is secured by making other travelers journeys easier, always doing what I should to make other’s more comfortable, but the older I have gotten, the more I feel that every time I pass up a path I wanted to take in favor of the one I should take, a little part of my adventurers spirit is shaved off, and I grow that much weaker, leaving future more unable to move down these paths. The “Battle of the Shoulds” is a lose-lose battle if looked at this way. The outcomes being, one, if I follow through and secure all my responsibilities, I may be too weak or too old to do all the other things I allotted for future me to take on. Two, is I take the risks, and while a great adventure will undoubtedly ensue, I let down all of the people who may rely on me for anything, and ultimately I would let down future me and the present me, as I would leave the other part of me, the part that wants to help and be responsible, unfulfilled. The only way to win the battle is to confront my other demon. Indecision. I don’t have enough information yet to battle this demon, but I also think its unlikely that I will truly ever feel that I have enough to enter into that bout confidently. Being unsure is my greatest weakness. Being executive is my greatest strength. I believe in follow through. But if your heart isn’t in it, what you truly have is a glass fist up against a diamond shield. If you’re lucky, you might land the blow, even force your opponent back, but it’s still glass, and you will ultimately just be buying time.
For now, I have decided to take the next few days to regroup and try to start up again. I made some good progress before the vacation, so it’s possible I can start again and begin to cross of tasks on the way to making my dreams come true. As with all dreams, they are riddles, quickly recede into the back of your mind, and become only moments of déjà vu. So when you catch a glimpse of them, you have to work hard to break it down, understand what you want, and etch them deep into the back of your eyelids, so that every time you blink, for just less than a second every minute, you can look directly at your goal and make it a reality.